The Wit And Humor of NCIS Season Two

One of the  many reasons NCIS is such a popular TV series is  the banter between the characters and the witty one liner put downs. All these examples come from way back in  NCIS Season Two,before Ziva had appeared on the show and the main female agent was Caitlin Todd (Kate). 


Ducky: “Well, now that you mention it, I did have a great uncle who drowned in a vat of alcohol.”

McGee: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

Ducky: “Of course he reportedly climbed out three times to go to the bathroom.”

Palmer: Yeah. When I was a kid, I used to bury our pets under our porch till my mom found out. She was pretty upset.

Ducky: They didn’t want you to bury your pets?

Palmer: No. We lived on the tenth floor of an apartment building.

Kate: The only thing running in your blood, Tony, is cholesterol. And possibly Chlamydia.

Tony: It’s curable.

Kate: He does have experience with cybersex.

Gibbs: Yeah? That true DiNozzo?

Tony: I think what Kate meant to say was that I met a very nice girl online once.

Gibbs: Yeah. What was her name?

Tony: Names aren’t that important. Hotjugs24. But I think she meant it as a metaphor.

Tony: Yep, it’s amazing what you can do with computers these days, Kate.

McGee: Sure is, Tony. Hey, I’ve, uh, got a little somethin’ you might be interested in.

Tony: Who’s this supposed to be?

McGee: I tracked down your cyber babe for you. Hot Jugs 24.

[McGee shows picture of big, bald, tattooed dude in undershirt. Kate laughs]

Gibbs: Yeah, she’s a real keeper, DiNozzo.

Kate: I wonder if he wears a sports bra.

Tony: Why don’t we just drag McAllister in for questioning, boss?

Gibbs: Because his lawyers make more in one hour than you make all week.

Tony: Ah, that’s an excellent point. So, you’re saying that I deserve a raise.

Gibbs: I want you to stick to him…

Kate: Like glue… I’ve got it.

Gibbs: Like an ex-wife after an alimony check.

Gibbs: Any more food fights in here and I’m joining in. With peas.

Kate: Frozen peas?

Gibbs: Nope. In a can.

(standing over body with her head in the toilet)

Tony: That is one h*** of a Swirly.


McGee: Swirly?


Tony: You take a kid by the ankles dunk him in the toilet then flush. Usually reserved for dorks. Does it look familiar, Probie?


McGee: I don’t think so. Noogies sure, wedgies, occasional melvin but no …


Gibbs: If you two don’t start working I’ll show you hazing, and the Marine Corps does not do wedgies or noogies or melvins.

Kate: “When I’m a mother, I’m never letting my kids out of my sight.”

Tony: “Yeah, how do you plan on doing that? “

Kate: “G-P-S locater strapped to the ankle. Audio and video surveillance built into their clothes.”

Tony: “No, I mean the part about becoming a mother.”

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